hello all... I know I know.. it has been awhile. But after you read this you will totally understand why I have been MIA from my blog. Lets see.. the last time I wrote was Febuary. Which was probably the last time my life was normal. As you guys remember Azzy was having those passing out spells that were labeled psudo-seizures. He was put on prozac around January and it took care of the "seizures". Well around March Azzy started getting on my nerves. REALLY bad, bad enough to the point that I wondered if my marriage was over. Well this kept on until May or early June...it all runs together now. Azzy started to go crazy. Literally crazy. He was going around town making deals with businesses to buy people pizzas (ie, when someone bought a pizza he would buy one for them), he bought drinks at another resteraunt, he bought coffee at the gas station for the town, and at the vets office he made a deal that if someone had an emergancy and coulnd't afford it that he would pay the bill. Mind you we didn't have the money for any of this. He would disappear for hours and not tell me where he has been or what he had been doing. Then we went to St. Louis to visit Azzy's brother. The weekend was crazy, Azzy was all over the place he eventually got angry when we were trying to keep him at the house, and he pushed me into a door. At this point I decided something had to be done. I brought him home, took him straight to the ER. The doctor there agreed that he needed help, so I checked my husband into a mental hospital. He spent a week there, he has worked in the mental health field for 15 years. He knew exactly what to say and do to get out. He had a commital hearing and his lawyer got him out. Stating it was the it was the increase in prozac from 40 mg to 100mg over night that made him manic. My parents were on their way to Iowa to help me through this, they were half way here when he got out. So my mom stayed with me awhile. Azzy insisted on going to visit his uncle out of town. Where he met an unsavory couple and stayed out all night with them. A week later he drove 4 hours to pick them up and bring them to our house to stay. The day they showed up, my mom and I left. I was actually leaving Azzy. I didn't know if I would ever come back at that point. I went to South Carolina with my mom and stayed. I cried all the way to SC, because I didn't know whether my marriage was over or not, and the man I knew was dead. Azzy was gone. A couple weeks later, the prozac got comepletley out of Azzy's system. He realized I was gone for good, and flew out to SC to win me back again. I am back in Iowa with Azzy, and we are still working on the trust issue. But the highlight of this is we made it through it. Now we are facing a new challenge. About a month ago when we were on a short holiday, my back started killing me. When we came home I went to the doctor. Long story short, I went to 4 doctors, 1 ER visit, and 2 chiropractors appoinments. It took a month but finally I was diagnosised with deterioration of the discs in my back. I don't know what we are going to do at this point. But I will keep you posted. If you made it through this whole blog entry then God bless you!!! Sorry it has taken so long to post agian. But I am sure you guys understand now. Loves and Hugs Lexie

Well it seems as though Azzy's and my life is a neverending story! This chapter. PAIN! I am having really bad pain in my left lower abodomen. The doctor diagnosised me with diverticulitiis. Gave me some anti-biotics and said "Now when you start to feel better in three days keep taking the medicine." Well it is officially day four and I am not feeling any better. I can hardly do anything. Just sitting here hurts. And forget going to get coffee walking kills me. And so far no pain killers from the doc. But that is going to change if I am still in the same boat as of next Tuesday. I am going to demand another appoinment or at least some pain killers to get me through til my regular appoinment on the 20th. I even mentioned to the doctor my fear that it is scar tissue from the previous surgries. And he said, "That is a possiblity" OH GREAT! Azzy has been a saint through all of this. Getting me what I need when I need it and cleaning up, doing dishes, running the hoover, he is just wonderful! Thank God fusion exsisted when it did! Whatever this mystery pain is.. I have decided that I am going to ride this wave no matter how big or how small. And just enjoy the sights as I go along. I might hurt. But God is still in control and there is a lot to be said for that!

Loves and Hugs

Lexie

I am sitting here just staring at the computer. Totally numb to everything. I am having one of my very down days. And it is all caused by my hysterectomy. I am so depressed about not being able to have kids. I feel like I somehow got cheated in life. The Purpose Driven Life says to tell God when we are angry with Him. It helps to lead to a more fullfilling life with Him. So I have told him over and over that I am angry that I am barren. In the OT often being barren was a punishment. I wonder if that is my case. If so then I hate myself for whatever I did to make God so mad at me. But then I think no we have a loving God who doesn't punish us anymore. So that leads to inner confusion. Which I pray to subside. I guess I am going to go I am depressing myself more with this entry.

Loves and Hugs

Lexie

Hi all. I know it has been six months since I have written...and I have really no excuse other than my life just got so hectic that somethings just fell by the wayside. The end of 2006 stunk. As many of you know Azzy developed seizure like epidsodes. They are being called psudeo-seizures by the doctor. He has been having them since the end of August. Which meant my trip to South Carolina got cancelled as well as us fostering or adopting. The episodes or "spells" as I call them seem to come at random times. He just goes out of it. He is able to hear everything around him but unable to move or respond in any way. Sometimes his head moves into positions that makes his airway cut off, sometimes he falls to the floor and needs to be caught. So you can see where my time is spent. I watch Azzy like a hawk. The good news is, the doctors feel this is stress, anxiety, and depression relatated. So they started him on some anti-deppresants. Which seem to be working some. It is still too early to see a full effect of the medicine but we have hope that this is the answer.

 

I have been seriously thinking about a gastric bypass again. We lost our old insurance so I was not able to get the one I qualified for. Now I have to go through a qualification process with  another insuracne. And this one is even more strict than the frist. I have to go through six months of doctor supervised dieting. Then possibly take a psychological exam, physical exams, and who knows what other tests. So I am looking at about September for this. I wish it were sooner. I just want to get healthly again. And I want people to smile at me again. I have noticed people don't look me in the eyes like they used to. It is a sad commentary on human nature that we can not look into they eyes of an overweight person.

 

I still have not been able to work since my mental breakdown. Even the though of working throws me into a panic attack. But I am looking at some work from home options that may work out well for me. No bosses, No co-workers. I don't manage my time as I should. With all this extra time I should have everything done in my life. But frankly I am just too depressed to do anything. I am dealing with my bi-polar and the stress of Azzy's illness. Which has really taken a toll on me emotionally and mentally. I sleep most of the time. And if I am not sleeping I am talking to my good friend Red online. She has been a lifesaver through all of this.

 

One of the things I have been doing recently is taking photos again. I love to take B&W photos. I am hoping to share some with you on my blog... but it is acting up and wont allow me to upload right now. So maybe later!

 

My goals for 2007 are to become closer to God. I am reading "The Purpose Driven Life" and using the compaion journal. As well as daliy Bible readings in the mornings. I have already noticed a change in how I feel about somethings. And the change is wonderful! When you realize that God truly put you on this earth to accomplish something it is an amazing feeling. Well I guess this is all for now. I hope that I havne't lost my readership. Because I care for all of you very deeply. You are my Christian family.

Loves and Hugs

Dawn

So sorry I haven't updated in so long. I have been having problems with spaces publishing my entries. But had some great news to share with all of you. I know you all have been beside me during the bad times. Just wanted to give you a chance for the good times as well. Yesterday, our approval came in the mail for our foster/adoptive license. We are now a state approved house for fostering. Which we plan to start after I get home from South Carolina, and my trip to see my parents. Which I am coming home Octoer 7. Here's to good news. Loves and Hugs all!!!

Lexie

Well here I am, four days out from my major breakdown. I am incredibly depressed, and wanting to die. Not that I would actually do anything to get to that point but I do want to leave this earth. I want my body to feel as dead as my soul does. I went to church today. Which usually perks me up. But not today. I am too down. I am sorry to those who read this. I would have hoped to be happier. I guess I could pretend but it wouldn't be honest. Again I am sorry. I will not burden anyone anymore. Hope that all is well with the rest of you.

Loves and Hugs

Lexie

I have come back to my blog home. This is mostly because I need to record the next few years of my life. It seems I have had a mental breakdown. A result of constant abuse from co-workers. A normal person could handle this. But I have a condition called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). To find out more about this go to.... www.bpdcentral.com look under BDP basicis. I have been told by my doctor to quit my job, go on disablity and get therapy for the next two years. To learn how to live with this condition. I know this is short, but just wanted to give an introduction to the things that maybe happening. IF I hae any readership left.

Loves and Hugs

Lexie

Azzy and I are both on edge right now. I think his surgery is weighing heavy on both of us. We are both so edgy right now it isn't funny. We agreed not to even think about kids until the surgery was over. And today I find out he requested information on a kid, that number 1 I didn't even look at or give my input in, in any way. And number 2 it was before the surgery. It turns out I didn't like the kid. He looked like he would be standing over the bed with a knife one night. Not to mention he is 14 which I have clearly stated my age range is 0-7. Then he said he was disapointed that we didn't see this the same (the kid) and stated that he thought we viewed things the same way. I said SAME WAY? We are comeplete opposites. Oh well, life goes on. But I know the surgery in the backs of our minds is why we are jumping each other so often.

 

Amee is getting a long well, he is almost potty trained. I don't want to say completely trained. Cause the second I say that he will go in the house. With that said, I think it is time to take the dogs out. Take care and God bless all.

Love and Hugs

Lexie

Hello again. I haven't been neglecting my blog, I just haven't had much to say. Things are going pretty average for me right now. No really good news, no really bad news. My dad's surgery went great. He is fine. Work is going fine. Remember I mentioned that there were a few people I could do without at work, well one of them is gone now. So things are much better. Luckily I didn't have to work on her shift I only saw her about 3 hours a day. But now that is a better 3 hours.

 

Azzy's surgery is in 21 days. For those of you who don't know he had a gastric bypass about two years ago. Now he is having the excess skin removed. The doctor said that this surgery will hurt more than the bypass did. I am not looking forward to dealing with a man in that much pain. It is going to be a challenge. I will be off work for a week with him. He will be in the hospital for four days of that. Well the doc said three or four days in hospital. I guess once they get the IV, cather, and drain tubes out he will be able to come home. This will be an new experience for me. I am so used to being the on in the hospital. After 10 surgeries I am used to being the one in the bed, not the one taking care of the one in bed. Our housesitters are coming for that week, to watch the house. Maybe they will stay a couple of extra days and help me out with Azzy when we get home. This is a very scary adventure for both of us. When Azzy had the origianl bypass he got a staph infection which kept him out of work for seven months. We are both very worried about him getting another infection. Seven months on one paycheck will ruin us. But I will keep that to a fleeting thought and not focus on it. This surgery is for the best. He will feel so much better when he has it. They say he will be out of work for four to six weeks, he has about five weeks of sick time built up so we will be getting money for most of it. Thank God!!!

 

I just looked at the clock it is time for me to get ready for work. You guys all take care, God bless.

Loves and Hugs

Lexie

I was awakened by bad dreams tonight. I was at my Mom and Dad's place in South Carolina and there were tornados everywhere. So much distruction, their neighbor was trapped in his house. The National Guard was there. It was crazy bad. The morning came and then the sun was bright and wonderful. When I opened my eyes, I was totally surprised to find it was night again. And I had dreamed it. It was very real, so intense. I think I am going to try going back to sleep now. Just had to write about it. Take care and God Bless all.

Loves and Hugs

Lexie

Well here I am at day 4 of my non-smoking life. I am very proud of myself and yet miss the heck out of those things! I am doing pretty good overall, but sometimes (like right now) I get very strong urges. At home I just suffer through them. At work, I eat sunflower seeds and talk to Marsha, who has been great through out this. I told her thank you yesterday and she said but I didn't do anything. I said you did more than you know!  I am handling the cravings that happen in the car, those aren't so bad. But home and work seem to be the biggest ones. Especially right after I eat.

 

Enough babbling about this. Sorry this was short but I have to go get ready for work. You guys take care, God bless.

Loves and Hugs

Lexie

Ooopps I forgot something in the updating my life section. We have a new puppy. His name is Amee (pronounced Ahmee). He is three months old and a rat terrier. He is so very cute. And is very good a making mesess, just what this house needed more mess! lol.

 

I was in a bad mood all day yesterday. I think it is cause I am quitting smoking. I am on my second day. Which may not sound like much, but I haven't made it two days for a long time. And you guys know how long I have been trying to quit. I have a great support person at work. She quit smoking 17 months ago. Her name is Marsha, praise God for her cause she has helped me so much. In the preparing to quit and then yesterday when I did quit.

 

Well that is about it for today sorry so short, I am about to go back to bed for an hour or so. You guys take care God bless.

Loves and Hugs

Lexie

Well I have ignored my blog long enough. Sorry about that guys. Not that I have any visitors anymore. Where I am at in my life.....

 

Well Azzy and I are getting along better than we ever have before. Much better than in previous entries. We still argue about money, but I think that is normal. He is having surgery May 4 if all goes well and we can find the money. I know this surgery will improve our life. Plus it will put a stop to his back hurting. He has having the excess skin removed, the skin that formed from his gastric bypass weight loss.

 

I am working at a new job. One that I absoutly love. It is in a residental treatment facility for the mentally ill. It is so rewarding. And a few of my co-workers are awesome, some of my co-workers I can do without. But one is the greatest, his name is Marty and he is sooo funny. I enjoy when he works. If laughter makes the world go round then Marty's is spinning out of control. I can't of course talk about the residents, due to privacy laws. But without saying to much, a lot of them a pretty cool. I haven't enjoyed a job this much since I worked on the toll road back in South Carolina. And I loved that job cause I basicly got paid to read. That was great.

 

I don't feel lost anymore. For the longest time I felt like I was in a darkened forest with no direction. But now I have taken a chainsaw and ripped through the underbrush and massive problems that choked me into a shell. I feel now like I do when I stand beside the ocean. With the ebb and flow of new breath. Sorrows leaving with the tide of meaningfulness.

 

Speaking of breath (and before I go into a pitifully poetic mode) I have been going through sleep studies. They have found out why I don't sleep and why I have no engery. I have sleep apnea. For those of you who don't know what that is I stop breathing in my sleep. The airway gets obstructed and cuts off my air. It is totally due to me being fat. So yet another problem due to my weight. But all that will change. I know it will! Anywho, I am now on a machine called a CPAP at night. I wear this mask and it blows air into my nose continusally to keep my airway open. The sleep study showed that the oxygen in my blood stream was getting so low it was dangerous to my heart. I do feel a little more rested in the mornings, so heres to engery!! Just was my hyper self needed, huh??

 

Well I think I am going to sign off now. I hope that all of you are doing well. I have missed you. I am going to stop by some blogs and see you guys. Take care all, God bless.
Loves and Hugs

Lexie

Yesterday had its ups and downs. The down was they called and cancelled the appointment with the surgeon.  It is rescheduled for Friday so I have a whole extra five days to get nervous agian.

 

The good news is I was called on a resueme sent out. I have a job interview this morning. More on that tomorrow. Well this is short today because I have to go get ready for the job interview.

Loves and Hugs

Lexie

Oops, I forgot all about my blog. Well not so much forgot but just didn't write anything. Not much has been going on lately with Azzy and I. I am mostly sleeping. I am finally starting to see some energy from the new dose of thryoid hormone. I still have to take naps but I have notice I can do more inbetween naps than I was doing before.

 

Tomorrow is our appointment with the surgeon. I so hope and pray this goes well. We finished our adoption/fostering classes yesterday. In about a month and a half we could possibly have children in the house. All we have left to do is get the cats shots and records then we are all set. As long as our home study passes. So fingers crossed and prayers up there that it does! We have room for five children (not that we would take on that much) and one infant. I am really hoping for an infant. I love babies. And with infants there is always the possiblity of adoption.

 

Another reason for my negelct of my blog is I have rediscovered pogo. Since fusion went down I have been looking for things to do. And pogo has provided them for me. If you haven't checked it out before go to www.pogo.com and check out the games. There is also a chat with the games so it is a chance to meet people. I have a lovely group of ladies that I play Texas Holdem Poker with. It isn't playing for money just tokens. If you do go and like it, let me know I can give you a guest pass to the premium games. Also if you are on there and want to look me up I am lextalionis2003 on there.

 

Well almost time to get ready for church. I hope that all are doing well.

Loves and Hugs

Lexie

I am all nervous and have butterflies in my stomach. Over what you ask? Well this gastric bypass. Not so much the actual surgery. Surgery doesn't scare me. It is whether this doctor will approve it or not. I so need this. And truly feel this is going to be my only way to lose weight. I would excersice, but the arthritis in my knees and hips already hurts me to the point that the meds don't work. So exersice is out of the question right now. I am so scared that this doctor wont approve it for some reason or another. Please pray for me that the doctors approves this. I need to get healthy and this is the only way. Thanks. Loves and Hugs Lexie

I have lost a battle but not the war. I went out and bought a pack of ciggarettes. I haven't done too bad. The first day I went 24 hours, the second time I tried I went 48 hours. I think I am really going to be able to do this, but it will be in my own way. But I gotta tell ya, nothing feels as good as that first ciggie after awhile without. It doesn't help that Azzy is at work and I have no one to complain to. I called my parents and they listened, but not until I was done complaining. I still had more talking to do when they had to go.

 

I thought of calling Cindy but didn't want to bug her. She gets to spend the evening with her family so I didn't want to take that time away to talk me out of a silly craving. She usually works nights so evenings with her family are rare. I did call Azzy at work to tell him I bought some. He said whatever I want to do, this has got to be my thing and he will be supportive. Then went on to tell me some reasons I should quit.

 

The doctor called this morning. My thyroid blood levels were off. They were too low, so he gave me another dose of the medicine. From past expereince it should be a week or two before it gets built up in my blood stream. I sure hope it works to gvie me some energy. I am tired of being tired all day. Drinking coffee all day just to stay awake. But then I gave in and laid down today and stayed for an hour without any sleep. That just ticked me off. Here I was tired beyond belief and can't sleep. Whats that about?

 

I think I am going to try again for a nap. Sorry this entry is so mundane. Loves and Hugs Lexie

I have to say goodbye to an old friend soon. Who is this? The answer is my ciggarettes. They have been with me in good times and in bad for 17 years. I tried to stop this morning only to find I had no patches left. There is no way I can do this with out help. The patches work pretty good I have tried them in the past.  I quit for a week once, I know if I can make it past the week point I can do anything! I can do this! I have to do this! The gastric bypass I want is riding on this. You have to have been stopped for 3 months pre-op or they wont touch you. My only problem is when I am in the middle of a craving I forget all sense and reason. I forget to pray, I forget to tell myself a craving only lasts for five minutes. I forget everything except how good a ciggie feels. Yes the taste is horrible and the smell even worse, but I am truly an addict. I have tried and failed so many times in the past that a part of me says, "You will never be able to do this, you are weak" I have to get past that voice. I have to not listen, somehow.

 

On to other topics. My Mom made me go to the doctor to get my thyroid levels checked. She says with my weight gain and my total lack of engery I really needed it and she is probably right. It will be a couple days before I get the results. But I am thinking they are going to change my thyroid medicine. I am really hoping so. I have absolutly no energy whatsoever. It is so bad that takinga  shower seems like a major ordeal. Yesterday I slept most of the day and think that I will do the same today. Even though I don't have any engery, I haven't been sleeping at night. This was before I started sleeping all day. So the doctor gave me some medicine for that. I can happily say I slept through the night last night. I woke up a couple times but went right back to sleep. Slept a total of 9 1/2 hours. It was great, but I still didn't wake up refreshed. I have been up less than a hour and feel like I could go back to sleep. This darn lack of engery is making me nuts. I have to clean up the house today and put away laundry, plus some other stuff. I have a feeling that none of it will get done. Just cause it seems like such a massive expense of engery to do anything. Okay enough whining!

 

My parents are almost home they have about another 7 hours on the road then they are home. My mom is looking forward to picking up their dog. I think she has missed her greatly. I suppose with that last update I am going to close I think I have babbled enough already, kudos to those of you who have made it to this point! Have a happy and safe New Year!  Loves and Hugs Lexie

It is almost time for my parents to go home, they are leaving tomorrow. I am very sadden by this. I love having them around. And knowing they wont always be here, makes want to spend even more time with them. I cherish each moment that I have with them. One thing the distance has done for my Mom and I is we don't fight anymore. And we used to be really bad at that. For that I am thankful. I can now just sit back and enjoy her for the wonderful person she is.

 

Now onto not so serious things! What I got for Christmas! haha! I got a web cam and mic for the computer from Cindy and her family. From Azzy I got 2 pairs of pj bottoms and a set of silky pjs. A pair of Eeyorre slippers. And a few other things. From my parents I got a coffee maker (very important since I finally killed my old one two nights after getting the new one). A sweatshirt that says, "If you need help ask God, If you don't Thank God" My mind has gone blank as to what else they got me. Grrrrr.

 

I have no idea if I will post before New Year. But if I don't. I hope that all of you have an excellent New Year. Full of the wonder and delight that only God can bring. Hope all of you are safe and happy. Lets all enjoy 2006.

I have always used Christmas Eve as a time to reflect on the past year. I know it should be New Years Eve that I do this but for some reason it has always been this day.

 

I have now lived 1,000 miles from my parents for over a year now. I have never been away from them (or this far) for this long. I am tremendously close to my parents and this has been a hard year is some ways. But mostly I seem to have just fallen into my new life perfectly. Miles can't change love. They can't change how I feel. And they can't change the fact that I am close to them. They are always a phone call away (and I have the phone bills to prove it). This distance has made me cherish them even more. To not take them forgranted. And to hold their love for me in my heart even closer. Christmas has always been a special time for me, but having them here makes it even more so.

 

I have made a good friend this year. A "in person" friend as opposed to my online friends. Don't get me wrong I love each and everyone of you. But it is hard to get a hug when you are crying, or laugh together til your stomach hurts. This is who Cindy is to me. She is so special. And I hope she is in my life for many years to come.

 

I have had three jobs this year. Hopefully God has a plan for a permant job for me. As I do not like this bouncing around.

 

I have tried new things. Been on adventures. Fought with my husband. And also felt unconditoinal love from him. Something that I have a hard time accepting for reasons that shall go unsaid.

 

I know in the past I have said I am unhappy. But I think the reason is. I don't know what it is to be happy in a long term way. Something always came along and ruined it. My prayer for this year. To have the Lord work on my heart. Help me to heal from past wounds and learn that the past is just that. To love Azzy as much as he loves me. And to learn how to not yell so much. To cherish all my relationships, whether they be online or in person. And to give to each person as much as they give to me. With all this being said. I wish each and everyone of you a Merry Christmas, may it be filled with joy and love. And a Happy New Year. One that brings adventure and excitement, and the love of God to each of you. Loves and Hugs Lexie