Lexie's Hideout

 hello all... I know I know.. it has been awhile. But after you read this you will totally understand why I have been MIA from my blog. Lets see.. the last time I wrote was Febuary. Which was probably the last time my life was normal. As you guys remember Azzy was having those passing out spells that were labeled psudo-seizures. He was put on prozac around January and it took care of the "seizures". Well around March Azzy started getting on my nerves. REALLY bad, bad enough to the point that I wondered if my marriage was over. Well this kept on until May or early June...it all runs together now. Azzy started to go crazy. Literally crazy. He was going around town making deals with businesses to buy people pizzas (ie, when someone bought a pizza he would buy one for them), he bought drinks at another resteraunt, he bought coffee at the gas station for the town, and at the vets office he made a deal that if someone had an emergancy and coulnd't afford it that he would pay the bill. Mind you we didn't have the money for any of this. He would disappear for hours and not tell me where he has been or what he had been doing. Then we went to St. Louis to visit Azzy's brother. The weekend was crazy, Azzy was all over the place he eventually got angry when we were trying to keep him at the house, and he pushed me into a door. At this point I decided something had to be done. I brought him home, took him straight to the ER. The doctor there agreed that he needed help, so I checked my husband into a mental hospital. He spent a week there, he has worked in the mental health field for 15 years. He knew exactly what to say and do to get out. He had a commital hearing and his lawyer got him out. Stating it was the it was the increase in prozac from 40 mg to 100mg over night that made him manic. My parents were on their way to Iowa to help me through this, they were half way here when he got out. So my mom stayed with me awhile. Azzy insisted on going to visit his uncle out of town. Where he met an unsavory couple and stayed out all night with them. A week later he drove 4 hours to pick them up and bring them to our house to stay. The day they showed up, my mom and I left. I was actually leaving Azzy. I didn't know if I would ever come back at that point. I went to South Carolina with my mom and stayed. I cried all the way to SC, because I didn't know whether my marriage was over or not, and the man I knew was dead. Azzy was gone. A couple weeks later, the prozac got comepletley out of Azzy's system. He realized I was gone for good, and flew out to SC to win me back again. I am back in Iowa with Azzy, and we are still working on the trust issue. But the highlight of this is we made it through it. Now we are facing a new challenge. About a month ago when we were on a short holiday, my back started killing me. When we came home I went to the doctor. Long story short, I went to 4 doctors, 1 ER visit, and 2 chiropractors appoinments. It took a month but finally I was diagnosised with deterioration of the discs in my back. I don't know what we are going to do at this point. But I will keep you posted. If you made it through this whole blog entry then God bless you!!! Sorry it has taken so long to post agian. But I am sure you guys understand now. Loves and Hugs Lexie

Well it seems as though Azzy's and my life is a neverending story! This chapter. PAIN! I am having really bad pain in my left lower abodomen. The doctor diagnosised me with diverticulitiis. Gave me some anti-biotics and said "Now when you start to feel better in three days keep taking the medicine." Well it is officially day four and I am not feeling any better. I can hardly do anything. Just sitting here hurts. And forget going to get coffee walking kills me. And so far no pain killers from the doc. But that is going to change if I am still in the same boat as of next Tuesday. I am going to demand another appoinment or at least some pain killers to get me through til my regular appoinment on the 20th. I even mentioned to the doctor my fear that it is scar tissue from the previous surgries. And he said, "That is a possiblity" OH GREAT! Azzy has been a saint through all of this. Getting me what I need when I need it and cleaning up, doing dishes, running the hoover, he is just wonderful! Thank God fusion exsisted when it did! Whatever this mystery pain is.. I have decided that I am going to ride this wave no matter how big or how small. And just enjoy the sights as I go along. I might hurt. But God is still in control and there is a lot to be said for that!

Loves and Hugs

Lexie

I am sitting here just staring at the computer. Totally numb to everything. I am having one of my very down days. And it is all caused by my hysterectomy. I am so depressed about not being able to have kids. I feel like I somehow got cheated in life. The Purpose Driven Life says to tell God when we are angry with Him. It helps to lead to a more fullfilling life with Him. So I have told him over and over that I am angry that I am barren. In the OT often being barren was a punishment. I wonder if that is my case. If so then I hate myself for whatever I did to make God so mad at me. But then I think no we have a loving God who doesn't punish us anymore. So that leads to inner confusion. Which I pray to subside. I guess I am going to go I am depressing myself more with this entry.

Loves and Hugs

Lexie

Hi all. I know it has been six months since I have written...and I have really no excuse other than my life just got so hectic that somethings just fell by the wayside. The end of 2006 stunk. As many of you know Azzy developed seizure like epidsodes. They are being called psudeo-seizures by the doctor. He has been having them since the end of August. Which meant my trip to South Carolina got cancelled as well as us fostering or adopting. The episodes or "spells" as I call them seem to come at random times. He just goes out of it. He is able to hear everything around him but unable to move or respond in any way. Sometimes his head moves into positions that makes his airway cut off, sometimes he falls to the floor and needs to be caught. So you can see where my time is spent. I watch Azzy like a hawk. The good news is, the doctors feel this is stress, anxiety, and depression relatated. So they started him on some anti-deppresants. Which seem to be working some. It is still too early to see a full effect of the medicine but we have hope that this is the answer.

 

I have been seriously thinking about a gastric bypass again. We lost our old insurance so I was not able to get the one I qualified for. Now I have to go through a qualification process with  another insuracne. And this one is even more strict than the frist. I have to go through six months of doctor supervised dieting. Then possibly take a psychological exam, physical exams, and who knows what other tests. So I am looking at about September for this. I wish it were sooner. I just want to get healthly again. And I want people to smile at me again. I have noticed people don't look me in the eyes like they used to. It is a sad commentary on human nature that we can not look into they eyes of an overweight person.

 

I still have not been able to work since my mental breakdown. Even the though of working throws me into a panic attack. But I am looking at some work from home options that may work out well for me. No bosses, No co-workers. I don't manage my time as I should. With all this extra time I should have everything done in my life. But frankly I am just too depressed to do anything. I am dealing with my bi-polar and the stress of Azzy's illness. Which has really taken a toll on me emotionally and mentally. I sleep most of the time. And if I am not sleeping I am talking to my good friend Red online. She has been a lifesaver through all of this.

 

One of the things I have been doing recently is taking photos again. I love to take B&W photos. I am hoping to share some with you on my blog... but it is acting up and wont allow me to upload right now. So maybe later!

 

My goals for 2007 are to become closer to God. I am reading "The Purpose Driven Life" and using the compaion journal. As well as daliy Bible readings in the mornings. I have already noticed a change in how I feel about somethings. And the change is wonderful! When you realize that God truly put you on this earth to accomplish something it is an amazing feeling. Well I guess this is all for now. I hope that I havne't lost my readership. Because I care for all of you very deeply. You are my Christian family.

Loves and Hugs

Dawn

So sorry I haven't updated in so long. I have been having problems with spaces publishing my entries. But had some great news to share with all of you. I know you all have been beside me during the bad times. Just wanted to give you a chance for the good times as well. Yesterday, our approval came in the mail for our foster/adoptive license. We are now a state approved house for fostering. Which we plan to start after I get home from South Carolina, and my trip to see my parents. Which I am coming home Octoer 7. Here's to good news. Loves and Hugs all!!!

Lexie